Road to Apostasy

..... a story from "discreet"


I never knew that I would end up to where I am right now. My family is somehow what you can call religious. Everything we do is for the glory of god, so they say. I used to agree with this and I followed blindly to the whims and lessons I am being thought of. In a place where doubt and questions are unacceptable, all you have to do is to be silent and listen. That's why they are called servants. And I used to be one of them until I started asking questions. 

Growing-up Religious

My mother is a church servant. Being humble, compassionate, understanding, and being patient  are among so many things she thought us. For that, I am very thankful. She also thought us to pray, to do the rosary, to sing songs from the Church and to respect the priests and religious leaders of the church. They are god's representation in this world after all. At least that's what they claim to be. We do rosaries every 6:00 P.M.. Pray when we wake up. Pray before we sleep. Pray before every meal. Pray for every success and more importantly during failures. Pray. Pray. Pray. I tried hard to believe in it until I found out that it does not work.

 Mass is always an important Catholic event. God's message are being delivered in that event, so they say. We promptly go to church every morning dressed up in our best outfits. Wearing our best smiles and making sure we have money in our pockets. That is the most important aspect. The songs, the people, the faith, I somehow admired it. However, the best things happen after the mass. Always.

The after mass mindset is still common until now. If you're a kid, it will be your chance to eat a cotton candy or buy a balloon. For teens and middle aged group, the church becomes a meeting place for friends. A place to meet new friends. It even became a date venue. Even after I became skeptic several years later, I still tend to attend masses just for thrill. With the existence of clans, church becomes the normal EB place. Eventually everyone wants to be a saint for once. December is the most exciting one. Misa de Gallo is always full of surprises..and beautiful faces. Dressing up to kill is an understatement. The hype is always high. The number of people will bring you a good catch, don't you agree? I can't be the only one right? 

Back in elementary, I was asked to serve in the church just like my mother and my sister. I was reluctant at first but I eventually gave in. I attended bible studies. I helped clean the church. I participated in the church events until I officially became robed and started helping in masses. I carried candles, incense, small statues, push floats, ring bells, keep and preserve wines or the Eucharist, etc. It was a fine job. Everything seems perfect and enjoyable...until I found out the truth.

Stains and Patches

There's just something about church service that puts you up in a pedestal. You are respected. You are praised. Everyone thinks highly of you and everyone wishes you well. You even gain extra "pogi points" when it comes to girls. For a kid, it is a dreamy state to be in. But there's more than meets the eye. The church have far more darker secrets than you can imagine. Things that you thought are only fictional. Rumors that you thought are untrue and just coming from the people who are just against the church;  until you see them with your own eyes. Then everything crumbles within you. You start to ask questions. Then doubt sprouts. With doubt, comes curiousity. With curiousity, comes thirst for knowledge.  And before you know it, the answers will stare at you straight in the eyes  and you know, you will know that you ...will always be doomed.

There are several instances that made me question my own actions. "Why am I doing these things?" "For whom am I doing these for?" " Is this really acceptable?" There are a lot of other questions that I kept on asking myself while rendering services. After several attempts to answer the questions myself, I decided to ask the leaders. But, every time I ask, I am being told, "This is for god's glory."

"Just do what you're told."

"Too much thinking is evil."

"Stop asking questions!"

"Just trust god's plan."

It came to the point where I even asked, "Are there really any definite answers to any of these at all?" "Do they really know?"

The more I serve, the more I questioned the chains binding me.  The more that they try to refuse to answer the questions, the more I try to find  an explanation. My curiosity leads to research. I try to read everything I can put my hands on. But, as a servant of church, you're resources are restricted. Your knowledge are limited. I even reached to the point where I  almost accepted defeat and just succumb to the norm. And just when I am about to give up, a path have been opened up. It never even occurred to me. I am still afraid to ask that I failed to think out of the box. It was an academic project. And that project changed my entire life.

The Values Class

During my graduating in high school, we have a subject called "Values Education." It was supposed to be lessons about social moral, good manners, how to help the community and such but our teacher have a different plan in mind. She was a born-again Christian and she's part of their choir group. Instead of the normal lessons, we ended up studying religions. The values class became almost like a daily Bible study. She said that morality can only be attained by understanding and following her god's command. 

Several months later, she started inviting us to the official bible studies in their church. She even  invited us in their worship services. Some of us we're interested enough to attend these extra classes. Being part of the evangelical group have some secret privileges of course but that would be in another story. Anyway, some of my classmates ended up converting even before the school year ended. They earned a passing grade in their finals without taking the final examination. (That's one of the privileges,) But before that, 3 months earlier, the golden project was assigned. The religion research project.

The Research

I really don't know the significance of this project in general but it gave me a jump start to apostasy. This happened during the third grading period. It was the final project for that period. The class was divided into groups of 5 and each group was assigned with a religion to report about. We have to find out their practices, beliefs, their lessons, their church hierarchy and such.

Our group was assigned to study the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." or more commonly known as the Mormons. To get more info about them, we visited their church and we spoke with 2 of their missionary. They showed us the extra book they are using (The Book of Mormons) and explained to us how their religion was found. This biography is not about religious bashing so I'll just say, they told us about them. We then attended about 1 or 2 services with them. We noticed how organized they we're compared to others but let's leave it at that, Anyway, I learned a good deal about them and the best part, they gave me a copy of the Book of Mormons and the Bible..for free. These books are quite costly you know so they're a great bonus. 

Several weeks later, we then reported what we learned to the class. It was a boring presentation as only few are really interested but we presented it the best as we can and I'm sure so did they. That was the time when I greatly noticed the differences in beliefs. My hidden curiosity became more active than ever and I can't help to  compare and ask myself, "Am I really following the right religion?" That question lived within me for years to come. It was the best question that I ever came up with. 

Progression

During college, our family encountered some financial problem which left me with very few options in college. I don't want to quit college so I applied for a scholarship in one of the known universities in our province. Luckily, I got accepted and became a working student for a couple of years. Our supervisor is a devoted Catholic but he respected our religious. I'm still doing bible studies with some of my friends in high school with the born again Christians. However, our School President and some of my colleagues are members of "Jehovah's Witnesses."

Out of curiosity, I studied both religions. I attended their worship services, switching back and forth between their churches, I spent more time with the witnesses but I was given a role by the christians. It continued like this for almost 2 years. It all changed after I lost my scholarship. I was then back on the streets.

Losing my scholarship gave me a chance to explore more about my own faith, I am already agnostic about that time but I never knew the "term"  until a few years later. I hanged out with some members of the 7th Day Adventists, I attended and discussed the bible with my christian friends and my sister had a Mormon boyfriend. After a few months, I meet a choir from INC. and I was also invited for their services. I admit, I'm not comfortable with the INC but I still attended because of that girl. hahaha, Thank you girlie for the time.

This complicated and mixed study of religion made me more and more doubtful about the religious system of the world, I learned more than I ever wished for and some of it doesn't really made sense. I came to the point where I officially declared myself as not part of any religion. I became an agnostic theist. I believed in god, but I don't believe in any religion. I thought of studying more but something unexpected happen. My girlfriend got pregnant. 

***to be continued***